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Every word you say is a lie. But you don't seem to know that. You're so convinced of it all that scares. Sometimes I like to think that you will wake up one day and realize that your whole life is a lie. But it will be too late by then because the world would have ended up for you. And you will wonder why you didn't want to hear. You've had huge signs but you've ignored them all. And you would have nothing left but regret.

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How much I wish you were here. There's something that doesn't let me breath and I know that only you could take it away. But you're so far away. I need you. Why can't you be here with me? The simple idea of having you with me, eases the pain. But what if it makes the magic go away? What if nothing is truly what it seems? I couldn't stand that, it would break my heart. I'd take that risk for you, if only I could. I'd be the one you need me to be because you make me a better person.

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It was so out of the blue that I didn't even had time think of how to react. I just did it. Everybody was staring, but I didn't even have the mind clear enough to care about it. I can't say it was magical. I had no idea you felt that way. We got carried away. It felt surprisingly natural. Your mouth tasted delicious. I wanted that kiss to last forever. But we weren't meant for each other, not that way. As soon as we got apart, we knew that that was already part of the past. We hugged consoling each other and kept on dancing pretending nothing had ever happened.

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When I left home this morning, all I wanted to do was to have my cup of coffee at the usual bar like I always do. I mean, why would I want to change something that works perfectly well? But something felt different this morning. I tried to ignore it, but it didn't feel good at all. Something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. When I got to the bar, my heart skipped a beat. It was closed. I was so shocked that I couldn't react. I was just there, standing if front of the door just staring at it. When I recovered, I went to the shop next door and asked if they knew anything about it. They looked at me as if I was asking something insane. They told me the bar had been closed for 7 years now. I started laughing cause I was sure they were all playing a joke on me, like those on TV. The look in their eyes got weirder. That's when I started to think that maybe it wasn't a joke. But, how could it be? I've been there every single day for the last 7 years. They couldn't be right, but they couldn't be wrong. I started screaming. I couldn't understand a thing. It didn't make sense, nothing of it made sense. I knew screaming wouldn't help, but it was the only thing I could do. My mind was so confused. A man in a blue suit appeared out of nowhere and told me to calm down. I didn't want to calm down; my whole world was tearing apart. Who was him to tell me what to do anyways? He had no idea of what keeping a routine means. Cause by then I was sure that that people were lying to me. I've been there yesterday; I've been there every single day. They were all liars. And they would all pay for it.

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It was midnight, I was ready to go to bed when I heard a knock on my door. When I went to answer, I didn't see anybody. There was a little piece of paper on the floor with my name on it. I turned it around and read 'Go to the park, to the seat where you have lunch everyday'. I was astounded and a little bit scared. Still, I got some clothes on, took the bus and went there. I couldn't see anything from afar. As I got closer, I was able to see a little shadow on the sit. A blood red rose illuminated by the moon light was waiting for me. There was also a note written in chalk. When I started reading it, a familiar voice distracted me. I didn't get to turn around by the time his strong arms were surrounding my body. He was wearing my favourite perfume. He was back and I knew that nobody could ever take him away from me anymore.

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The breeze was softly blowing her hair. The way her hips moved as she walked was so delicate and provocative at the same time. He was waiting for her at the same bar, on the same time like he had done every Friday for the past three months. But every time she turned around the corner and he could see a glimpse of her dress, his heart would stop for a second. The world could fall off around him and he wouldn't notice. He was captivated by her beauty. She would smile at him when their eyes reached each others. And his heart would fasten up a little bit, while his mind would tell it to slow down. Everything should look normal when she gets there. And it would. And she would never know how much he liked her, and how much he wanted to love her more and more everyday. And he would never know that she only wears that dress for him.

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The cold floor turned quickly into hot burning sand at every step that I made. Everything I touched would turn into little golden particles. As it all changed, I could feel the heat. I started sweating. It was as if all of the water in my body was leaving it. I was confused. There was a lake in the horizon. I knew it couldn't be true. I knew it was my mind tricking me. But I run towards it anyways. As I got closer, my body was starting to feel better. I wasn't sweating anymore. I'd run for hours, but I didn't feel tired. When I finally got there, what I found was a mirror. My skin was falling over. I looked terrible. I laid down on the mirror and waited for the cold of the glass to take all of my illusions away.

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I'm sitting in front of the mirror. What I see scares me so much. There is so much blood that I can't focus. My eyes are bleeding. They hurt so much. I'm paralyzed. I don't know what to do. The fear has knocked me down. It is such a strange sensation. I feel like screaming till death, but I can't. All I can do is stare at the blood coming out of my eyes.

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You said my name and smiled. It was the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. It was so sincere and sweet. You seemed happy just at the mention of my name. I couldn't stand that. It was insane. How could I provoke that on someone? You must have been crazy. You wouldn't love me if you were sane. No, no one ever does. So why would you? There's no way that I could have made you happy. That isn't possible. I've told you I'm not good for anyone, but you wouldn't listen. And that was your biggest mistake. Love took you over, it had made you vulnerable, you couldn't think. Now you are paying the price and you won't have any other chance to listen.

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I don't have a little cryptic story for you today. I've written something about how I feel about being a fan and I'd like to share it with you. Hope you enjoy it.

I've never thought I'd ever be a fan. I didn't understand it. I couldn't get any reasonable explanation of how a human being could simply love someone they haven't met before and who they'd never know for real.

I had a friend who was fan of a singer who used to say she loved him. And I'd always ask her the same, ‘how on earth can you love him like that?’ I could understand admiration, but that's not all a fan feels, it goes far beyond. And she would always answer me that she knew him from the interviews. But I truly couldn't understand that, it would even annoy me.

It happened slowly. I didn't realize I was getting into Mika like that; maybe I didn't want to admit it. It was only when I already knew and loved desperately having him in my life that I could see the first sings of when I started becoming a fan.

The first time he appeared in my life, it was with Grace Kelly on TV. I immediately felt in love with his music, his style and as I found out later, with him. Soon after I downloaded his album and looked for interviews. By then I could tell I liked him. And by then I was already standing up for him without even noticing it.

Now I know. Now I choose to be a fan. Now I choose to be proud of being a fan. Now I choose to stand up for him even more than I do for myself. I still don't understand. I will never understand, but now, I choose not to understand. It doesn't make sense. It will never make sense, but it’s perfect.

It's just simply something that makes me happy. It's a fantasy world where I can always go hiding from the real world. It's a fantasy world in which I find real happiness. But don't get me wrong, I'm not alone there. All my crazy fan friends are there, and we understand each other, and we share our craziness, and we also share our real lives. That's the magic of it all. It's a little piece of unreality stucked in the middle of reality, and then it all gets mixed together and you can no longer differentiate what is real from what is not, and it's perfect.

And he will always be perfect. He will never harm me. He will only mean happiness, no matter what. And just a look at a picture or a video, or the sound of his voice or simply the melody of a piece of art he’s created will make me smile, always. It doesn’t matter if my whole world falls apart; my little crazy Mika world will bring me a piece of sunshine.

I know he probably isn’t what I see. I know that what I see is only a tiny part of him and that part of it is an act. But not all of it is an act, you can’t act every single thing you do or say. And I choose to keep what I see because I like it, and to intensify it. And I choose to make him be my perfect guy. I choose to make him be the perfect human being that only exists in my crazy world. And that’s the one that will never let me down, in which I’ll always find comfort. And that’s the one I’ll always stand up for, cause it’s a reflection of me, of what I want to be, it’s a reflect of my deepest dreams.

Every single word he says, every new picture, every new material, every little thing that I live in my Mika world, makes it bigger, and makes it happier. And I can relate my whole life to it. Cause it is my life. It’s me.

And if it’s so complicated and I don’t have an explanation of my craziness for myself, imagine how hard it is for the people around me. So when either my family or my friends get into your fan world, even if it’s only watching one video with me or saying he has a pretty voice, it makes it all more perfect and it makes me happy. Because it’s me they are saying nice things about, because it’s my choice what they are embracing.

So now, that I am a proud Mika fan, I can say that it doesn’t make sense, not at all. But I can also say that it’s perfect, everything about it, specially the fact that it doesn’t make sense.

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Don’t look at me, it hurts. Don’t come closer, please. I can’t seem to stand being near you anymore. I am ashamed.

It’s not your fault, I know. I was the one who pushed this. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I swear. This got out of my hands. Please, just try to forgive me. I know it’s hard. I’ve caused too much pain.

No! Please, don’t do that! There’s really nothing you can do to change what I’ve done. So please, stop. It will only make it worst.

I can’t bare this anymore. This has to end, right now. It’s time for my closure.

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You were in a corner hugging a teddy bear when I got into your bedroom. I told you not to be afraid, that I wouldn’t hurt you. But we both knew that that wasn’t true. There was a reason why I was there, but it wasn’t a happy one.

To every word I said, you would just hug your teddy even harder. ‘Come on! It will be fun’ I said. But there was no way that I could fool you. You were so smart.

I didn’t want to do it that way, but I had no choice. It was getting late and the job had to be done. I picked you up of the floor. You didn’t resist, you knew it was your destiny. No sound came out of your little mouth. No tear felt down your pretty face.

We left the bedroom slowly. I wanted you to keep the memory of it all. But your eyes were closed. You had already said goodbye.

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I wanted you come with me. I wanted you to be part of my life. But you never did.

I don’t know if it was me or just my choice. I just know I was wrong.

I thought you were sending me sings, but I was only seeing what I wanted to see. Every time we were together, I got into a parallel world were you and I didn’t belong with the others.

Suddenly reality hit me and all I have left are memories of a past we didn’t share. Memories of what I thought we were sharing, when the only one living them so vividly was me.

And now I have my sorrow, the only one who has never left me. I’ll cry a river. No matter what I do, it’ll stay with me forever.

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Don’t look at me like that. I can’t stand the look in your eyes. Just do it quickly with no regrets.
Don’t be shy. We both know this is what we wanted. This is what we got ourselves into.
There is no need to be careful or gentle. The faster the better. I’ll be less painful.
I promise I won’t scream. I’m ready.
Come on, get closer. Just rip my heart.

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I’d never thought it would take this long. I started years ago, but I still can’t seem to find it. Maybe I’m not looking in the correct place. Or maybe I’m not searching in the right way. I’m more and more clueless everyday.

I wish I could stop my mind for a second. I wish I could stop the voice inside of my head telling me to never stop. I wish I could stop thinking and just let it be.

I should sit down for a while. Take a breath. Maybe that will help. Maybe I’ll see it all clearer. But I can’t. Maybe I’ll just never find it. Maybe I just got it all wrong.
I’m tired of searching and never finding. And I’m tired of thinking. I wish you could give me a sign. I wish you could help me find it. I really need you to be the one to take me there.

Only that way, I’ll be able to stop thinking. Only that way, I’ll be able to breath.

I really want you to take me to that tree.

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I was still holding her when she felt asleep. The sunshine was illuminating her beautiful face. She looked like an angel. She was so full of peace.

I was yet amazed of how easy it had been. I was terrified at the idea of even trying to do it before. But it all turned out so good in the end. I didn’t know how, but I’d managed to get enough courage and just do it.

She was so quite. I didn’t want to let her go. I wanted to feel her for some more minutes. Neither of us was moving. It felt as if the time had stopped for both of us.

Suddenly, a voice calling my name broke into the room. I stood up slowly and placed her in her cradle. While I did so, I could see her smile getting smaller. I kissed her in her forehead and left the room.

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It was late, you came home crying. You said you needed to be hugged. I walked towards you, but you pushed me away.

It’s been three days since that happened. It’s been three days since the last time left your bedroom.

I can here you crying every time I pass by the door. I want to help you, but you keep on shoving me out. You say I wouldn’t understand.

You’ve always tried to look stronger, struggling in a fight with your tiers. You say you love being different, but all you do is wonder why you are not like the others.

You think I’ve had enough. You think you’d be a burden if you ever do something I don’t like.

But you’re too young to regret. I wish you would listen to me now. I wish I haven’t made you this way.

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She had the most beautiful carapace you could have ever dreamt of. Everybody that passed by her, would get astonished by her beauty. She had all the colors of the rainbow and she even sparked. But no one had ever seen her face.

She was a mistery. Everybody talked about that stunning tortoise, even though no one actually knew who she was. She had never talked to anyone. They still knew she was inside.

Rumours said that she used to get out in the middle of the dark. In the middle of the night no one would ever catch her. She did not want to be known. She did not want to be judge. Hiding inside of her carapace she felt safe. She was so scared of the others that she could not see she was slowly suffocating.

One morning everybody woke up late. It all looked different, the sea was darker. Something was missing. She had let the fear kill her.