.

You were in a corner hugging a teddy bear when I got into your bedroom. I told you not to be afraid, that I wouldn’t hurt you. But we both knew that that wasn’t true. There was a reason why I was there, but it wasn’t a happy one.

To every word I said, you would just hug your teddy even harder. ‘Come on! It will be fun’ I said. But there was no way that I could fool you. You were so smart.

I didn’t want to do it that way, but I had no choice. It was getting late and the job had to be done. I picked you up of the floor. You didn’t resist, you knew it was your destiny. No sound came out of your little mouth. No tear felt down your pretty face.

We left the bedroom slowly. I wanted you to keep the memory of it all. But your eyes were closed. You had already said goodbye.

.

I wanted you come with me. I wanted you to be part of my life. But you never did.

I don’t know if it was me or just my choice. I just know I was wrong.

I thought you were sending me sings, but I was only seeing what I wanted to see. Every time we were together, I got into a parallel world were you and I didn’t belong with the others.

Suddenly reality hit me and all I have left are memories of a past we didn’t share. Memories of what I thought we were sharing, when the only one living them so vividly was me.

And now I have my sorrow, the only one who has never left me. I’ll cry a river. No matter what I do, it’ll stay with me forever.

.

Don’t look at me like that. I can’t stand the look in your eyes. Just do it quickly with no regrets.
Don’t be shy. We both know this is what we wanted. This is what we got ourselves into.
There is no need to be careful or gentle. The faster the better. I’ll be less painful.
I promise I won’t scream. I’m ready.
Come on, get closer. Just rip my heart.

.

I’d never thought it would take this long. I started years ago, but I still can’t seem to find it. Maybe I’m not looking in the correct place. Or maybe I’m not searching in the right way. I’m more and more clueless everyday.

I wish I could stop my mind for a second. I wish I could stop the voice inside of my head telling me to never stop. I wish I could stop thinking and just let it be.

I should sit down for a while. Take a breath. Maybe that will help. Maybe I’ll see it all clearer. But I can’t. Maybe I’ll just never find it. Maybe I just got it all wrong.
I’m tired of searching and never finding. And I’m tired of thinking. I wish you could give me a sign. I wish you could help me find it. I really need you to be the one to take me there.

Only that way, I’ll be able to stop thinking. Only that way, I’ll be able to breath.

I really want you to take me to that tree.