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You said my name and smiled. It was the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. It was so sincere and sweet. You seemed happy just at the mention of my name. I couldn't stand that. It was insane. How could I provoke that on someone? You must have been crazy. You wouldn't love me if you were sane. No, no one ever does. So why would you? There's no way that I could have made you happy. That isn't possible. I've told you I'm not good for anyone, but you wouldn't listen. And that was your biggest mistake. Love took you over, it had made you vulnerable, you couldn't think. Now you are paying the price and you won't have any other chance to listen.

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I don't have a little cryptic story for you today. I've written something about how I feel about being a fan and I'd like to share it with you. Hope you enjoy it.

I've never thought I'd ever be a fan. I didn't understand it. I couldn't get any reasonable explanation of how a human being could simply love someone they haven't met before and who they'd never know for real.

I had a friend who was fan of a singer who used to say she loved him. And I'd always ask her the same, ‘how on earth can you love him like that?’ I could understand admiration, but that's not all a fan feels, it goes far beyond. And she would always answer me that she knew him from the interviews. But I truly couldn't understand that, it would even annoy me.

It happened slowly. I didn't realize I was getting into Mika like that; maybe I didn't want to admit it. It was only when I already knew and loved desperately having him in my life that I could see the first sings of when I started becoming a fan.

The first time he appeared in my life, it was with Grace Kelly on TV. I immediately felt in love with his music, his style and as I found out later, with him. Soon after I downloaded his album and looked for interviews. By then I could tell I liked him. And by then I was already standing up for him without even noticing it.

Now I know. Now I choose to be a fan. Now I choose to be proud of being a fan. Now I choose to stand up for him even more than I do for myself. I still don't understand. I will never understand, but now, I choose not to understand. It doesn't make sense. It will never make sense, but it’s perfect.

It's just simply something that makes me happy. It's a fantasy world where I can always go hiding from the real world. It's a fantasy world in which I find real happiness. But don't get me wrong, I'm not alone there. All my crazy fan friends are there, and we understand each other, and we share our craziness, and we also share our real lives. That's the magic of it all. It's a little piece of unreality stucked in the middle of reality, and then it all gets mixed together and you can no longer differentiate what is real from what is not, and it's perfect.

And he will always be perfect. He will never harm me. He will only mean happiness, no matter what. And just a look at a picture or a video, or the sound of his voice or simply the melody of a piece of art he’s created will make me smile, always. It doesn’t matter if my whole world falls apart; my little crazy Mika world will bring me a piece of sunshine.

I know he probably isn’t what I see. I know that what I see is only a tiny part of him and that part of it is an act. But not all of it is an act, you can’t act every single thing you do or say. And I choose to keep what I see because I like it, and to intensify it. And I choose to make him be my perfect guy. I choose to make him be the perfect human being that only exists in my crazy world. And that’s the one that will never let me down, in which I’ll always find comfort. And that’s the one I’ll always stand up for, cause it’s a reflection of me, of what I want to be, it’s a reflect of my deepest dreams.

Every single word he says, every new picture, every new material, every little thing that I live in my Mika world, makes it bigger, and makes it happier. And I can relate my whole life to it. Cause it is my life. It’s me.

And if it’s so complicated and I don’t have an explanation of my craziness for myself, imagine how hard it is for the people around me. So when either my family or my friends get into your fan world, even if it’s only watching one video with me or saying he has a pretty voice, it makes it all more perfect and it makes me happy. Because it’s me they are saying nice things about, because it’s my choice what they are embracing.

So now, that I am a proud Mika fan, I can say that it doesn’t make sense, not at all. But I can also say that it’s perfect, everything about it, specially the fact that it doesn’t make sense.

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Don’t look at me, it hurts. Don’t come closer, please. I can’t seem to stand being near you anymore. I am ashamed.

It’s not your fault, I know. I was the one who pushed this. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I swear. This got out of my hands. Please, just try to forgive me. I know it’s hard. I’ve caused too much pain.

No! Please, don’t do that! There’s really nothing you can do to change what I’ve done. So please, stop. It will only make it worst.

I can’t bare this anymore. This has to end, right now. It’s time for my closure.

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You were in a corner hugging a teddy bear when I got into your bedroom. I told you not to be afraid, that I wouldn’t hurt you. But we both knew that that wasn’t true. There was a reason why I was there, but it wasn’t a happy one.

To every word I said, you would just hug your teddy even harder. ‘Come on! It will be fun’ I said. But there was no way that I could fool you. You were so smart.

I didn’t want to do it that way, but I had no choice. It was getting late and the job had to be done. I picked you up of the floor. You didn’t resist, you knew it was your destiny. No sound came out of your little mouth. No tear felt down your pretty face.

We left the bedroom slowly. I wanted you to keep the memory of it all. But your eyes were closed. You had already said goodbye.

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I wanted you come with me. I wanted you to be part of my life. But you never did.

I don’t know if it was me or just my choice. I just know I was wrong.

I thought you were sending me sings, but I was only seeing what I wanted to see. Every time we were together, I got into a parallel world were you and I didn’t belong with the others.

Suddenly reality hit me and all I have left are memories of a past we didn’t share. Memories of what I thought we were sharing, when the only one living them so vividly was me.

And now I have my sorrow, the only one who has never left me. I’ll cry a river. No matter what I do, it’ll stay with me forever.

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Don’t look at me like that. I can’t stand the look in your eyes. Just do it quickly with no regrets.
Don’t be shy. We both know this is what we wanted. This is what we got ourselves into.
There is no need to be careful or gentle. The faster the better. I’ll be less painful.
I promise I won’t scream. I’m ready.
Come on, get closer. Just rip my heart.

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I’d never thought it would take this long. I started years ago, but I still can’t seem to find it. Maybe I’m not looking in the correct place. Or maybe I’m not searching in the right way. I’m more and more clueless everyday.

I wish I could stop my mind for a second. I wish I could stop the voice inside of my head telling me to never stop. I wish I could stop thinking and just let it be.

I should sit down for a while. Take a breath. Maybe that will help. Maybe I’ll see it all clearer. But I can’t. Maybe I’ll just never find it. Maybe I just got it all wrong.
I’m tired of searching and never finding. And I’m tired of thinking. I wish you could give me a sign. I wish you could help me find it. I really need you to be the one to take me there.

Only that way, I’ll be able to stop thinking. Only that way, I’ll be able to breath.

I really want you to take me to that tree.