.

When I left home this morning, all I wanted to do was to have my cup of coffee at the usual bar like I always do. I mean, why would I want to change something that works perfectly well? But something felt different this morning. I tried to ignore it, but it didn't feel good at all. Something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. When I got to the bar, my heart skipped a beat. It was closed. I was so shocked that I couldn't react. I was just there, standing if front of the door just staring at it. When I recovered, I went to the shop next door and asked if they knew anything about it. They looked at me as if I was asking something insane. They told me the bar had been closed for 7 years now. I started laughing cause I was sure they were all playing a joke on me, like those on TV. The look in their eyes got weirder. That's when I started to think that maybe it wasn't a joke. But, how could it be? I've been there every single day for the last 7 years. They couldn't be right, but they couldn't be wrong. I started screaming. I couldn't understand a thing. It didn't make sense, nothing of it made sense. I knew screaming wouldn't help, but it was the only thing I could do. My mind was so confused. A man in a blue suit appeared out of nowhere and told me to calm down. I didn't want to calm down; my whole world was tearing apart. Who was him to tell me what to do anyways? He had no idea of what keeping a routine means. Cause by then I was sure that that people were lying to me. I've been there yesterday; I've been there every single day. They were all liars. And they would all pay for it.

.

It was midnight, I was ready to go to bed when I heard a knock on my door. When I went to answer, I didn't see anybody. There was a little piece of paper on the floor with my name on it. I turned it around and read 'Go to the park, to the seat where you have lunch everyday'. I was astounded and a little bit scared. Still, I got some clothes on, took the bus and went there. I couldn't see anything from afar. As I got closer, I was able to see a little shadow on the sit. A blood red rose illuminated by the moon light was waiting for me. There was also a note written in chalk. When I started reading it, a familiar voice distracted me. I didn't get to turn around by the time his strong arms were surrounding my body. He was wearing my favourite perfume. He was back and I knew that nobody could ever take him away from me anymore.

.

The breeze was softly blowing her hair. The way her hips moved as she walked was so delicate and provocative at the same time. He was waiting for her at the same bar, on the same time like he had done every Friday for the past three months. But every time she turned around the corner and he could see a glimpse of her dress, his heart would stop for a second. The world could fall off around him and he wouldn't notice. He was captivated by her beauty. She would smile at him when their eyes reached each others. And his heart would fasten up a little bit, while his mind would tell it to slow down. Everything should look normal when she gets there. And it would. And she would never know how much he liked her, and how much he wanted to love her more and more everyday. And he would never know that she only wears that dress for him.

.

The cold floor turned quickly into hot burning sand at every step that I made. Everything I touched would turn into little golden particles. As it all changed, I could feel the heat. I started sweating. It was as if all of the water in my body was leaving it. I was confused. There was a lake in the horizon. I knew it couldn't be true. I knew it was my mind tricking me. But I run towards it anyways. As I got closer, my body was starting to feel better. I wasn't sweating anymore. I'd run for hours, but I didn't feel tired. When I finally got there, what I found was a mirror. My skin was falling over. I looked terrible. I laid down on the mirror and waited for the cold of the glass to take all of my illusions away.

.

I'm sitting in front of the mirror. What I see scares me so much. There is so much blood that I can't focus. My eyes are bleeding. They hurt so much. I'm paralyzed. I don't know what to do. The fear has knocked me down. It is such a strange sensation. I feel like screaming till death, but I can't. All I can do is stare at the blood coming out of my eyes.

.

You said my name and smiled. It was the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. It was so sincere and sweet. You seemed happy just at the mention of my name. I couldn't stand that. It was insane. How could I provoke that on someone? You must have been crazy. You wouldn't love me if you were sane. No, no one ever does. So why would you? There's no way that I could have made you happy. That isn't possible. I've told you I'm not good for anyone, but you wouldn't listen. And that was your biggest mistake. Love took you over, it had made you vulnerable, you couldn't think. Now you are paying the price and you won't have any other chance to listen.

.

I don't have a little cryptic story for you today. I've written something about how I feel about being a fan and I'd like to share it with you. Hope you enjoy it.

I've never thought I'd ever be a fan. I didn't understand it. I couldn't get any reasonable explanation of how a human being could simply love someone they haven't met before and who they'd never know for real.

I had a friend who was fan of a singer who used to say she loved him. And I'd always ask her the same, ‘how on earth can you love him like that?’ I could understand admiration, but that's not all a fan feels, it goes far beyond. And she would always answer me that she knew him from the interviews. But I truly couldn't understand that, it would even annoy me.

It happened slowly. I didn't realize I was getting into Mika like that; maybe I didn't want to admit it. It was only when I already knew and loved desperately having him in my life that I could see the first sings of when I started becoming a fan.

The first time he appeared in my life, it was with Grace Kelly on TV. I immediately felt in love with his music, his style and as I found out later, with him. Soon after I downloaded his album and looked for interviews. By then I could tell I liked him. And by then I was already standing up for him without even noticing it.

Now I know. Now I choose to be a fan. Now I choose to be proud of being a fan. Now I choose to stand up for him even more than I do for myself. I still don't understand. I will never understand, but now, I choose not to understand. It doesn't make sense. It will never make sense, but it’s perfect.

It's just simply something that makes me happy. It's a fantasy world where I can always go hiding from the real world. It's a fantasy world in which I find real happiness. But don't get me wrong, I'm not alone there. All my crazy fan friends are there, and we understand each other, and we share our craziness, and we also share our real lives. That's the magic of it all. It's a little piece of unreality stucked in the middle of reality, and then it all gets mixed together and you can no longer differentiate what is real from what is not, and it's perfect.

And he will always be perfect. He will never harm me. He will only mean happiness, no matter what. And just a look at a picture or a video, or the sound of his voice or simply the melody of a piece of art he’s created will make me smile, always. It doesn’t matter if my whole world falls apart; my little crazy Mika world will bring me a piece of sunshine.

I know he probably isn’t what I see. I know that what I see is only a tiny part of him and that part of it is an act. But not all of it is an act, you can’t act every single thing you do or say. And I choose to keep what I see because I like it, and to intensify it. And I choose to make him be my perfect guy. I choose to make him be the perfect human being that only exists in my crazy world. And that’s the one that will never let me down, in which I’ll always find comfort. And that’s the one I’ll always stand up for, cause it’s a reflection of me, of what I want to be, it’s a reflect of my deepest dreams.

Every single word he says, every new picture, every new material, every little thing that I live in my Mika world, makes it bigger, and makes it happier. And I can relate my whole life to it. Cause it is my life. It’s me.

And if it’s so complicated and I don’t have an explanation of my craziness for myself, imagine how hard it is for the people around me. So when either my family or my friends get into your fan world, even if it’s only watching one video with me or saying he has a pretty voice, it makes it all more perfect and it makes me happy. Because it’s me they are saying nice things about, because it’s my choice what they are embracing.

So now, that I am a proud Mika fan, I can say that it doesn’t make sense, not at all. But I can also say that it’s perfect, everything about it, specially the fact that it doesn’t make sense.